RD: Chapter 11

Personal Log, Ne'tal i-Tephon t'Lark, 2-1-Air 2379
The Next month passed by blissfully for the most part.  Tarven recovered from his condition within a few days no worse for ware.  He was however highly embarrassed which lead to a slowing in our relationship.  It was probably a good thing though, we were moving very quickly.
Of course, I didn't really have much time for our relationship either.  Two days after our Meeting with Shinzon the Valdore joined his ship the Scimitar in battle against the rest of our fleet.  I am happy to report that the only causally in the science department was one of Chemistry experiments which fell apart and completely stunk up a lab for week!
However, after this battle, Shinzon was installed as Praetor.  I would say what I feel, but it could be incriminating.  Riots are now in progress.  Tarven was sent to the surface along with a team of our medical personal to deal with the casualties.  
I hope he's safe.  I suggested we use stun fields, a new technology that will mildly stun anyone coming near the field.  However the Tal Shiar thought it wiser to stick to disruptors.  I disagree with this decision but they are my superiors.  Tarven is due back tonight, I will be waiting in the transporter room for him.

That night, Transporter Room.
I wait as patiently as I can off in one of the corners of the room.  Tired medics beam back from the surface and scurry quickly back to their quarters and the showers.  Most are covered in grim and blood.  A few nurse wounds or help patients.  I start to get nervous as Tarven doesn't appear.  Finally on the last transport he arrives.
Tarven sighs carefully removing his tricorder and handing it to the waiting technician.  He is covered in dust, grim, and blood.  Hs normally green-blue checked uniform is now mostly a dingy green.  Finally his tired eyes meet mine.  They do not shimmer as much as normal, as though they are un-polished sapphires instead of his normal glistening ones.  
Slowly I approach him.  "Tarven?" I ask coming closer to him.  
"Ne'tal?" He asks wearily.  He stares at me a moment.  I open my arms to embrace him.  "No, I'll get you dirty and make you smell too!"
"These clothes are unimportant.  And you need a hug." I sigh embracing him.  He doesn't smell very good, but I can put up with him.  He is smiling slightly as I separate from him.
"If you want to talk come with me." He says taking my hand.  He leads me back to his quarters and promptly pulls me right in.  To my surprise he strips off his tunic and undershirt tossing them in the recycler.  I take those weren't salvageable.  
"Tarven?" I remind him that I'm in here with him staring hungrily at his exposed highly muscled chest.  
"Hmm?" he asks glancing at me as he reaches for his back and winces.  "Oh, I supposed I should have warned you."  I simply smile back not quite sure what to do.  Tarven turns around heading for another part of his suite.  When he does though, I see a horrible gash down his back.  
"Tarven!" I exclaim rush up to him.  "You're hurt!"
"Yes, I'm hurt!" he growls.  I pull back surprised.  He stares at me a moment.  "I'm sorry.  I'm not in a very good mood right now."
"I understand." I answer, "But it's bleeding still."  Tarven simply nods.  "Can I help you feel better?"
"In a minute, let me go get a look at it and get my tools." He says.  I nod in response.  In the back I hear him exclaim, "Oh Elements!  I didn't know it was that bad!"  He shuffles around and emerges a few minutes later, this time with the color gone from his face.  He hands me a group of medical tools, ointments, and bandages.  Tarven points to the couch.  He curls up at one end and I get behind him.
"Tarven you are going to have to get me some instructions.  Are you sure you wouldn't want one of the other medics looking at this?" I ask concerned staring at the tools in my hands.
"NO!  I'm already the laughing stock of the medical bay for getting it!"  Tarven growls more to himself than to me.  "This," he says taking one of the devices, "is a vascular regenerator.  Move it over the whole wound five times.  Between each pass, blot the wound with the gaze.  The wound is going to bleed, but don't be concerned."  I nod at his instructions.  As I follow them though I feel him wince and a moan slips out.  Finally I finish but the wound doesn't look much better.
"What next Tarven?"
"One minute," he squeaks out taking several deep breaths.  "I didn't know how much that hurt." he says about a minute later.  "Now take this device, the dermal regenerator, and run it over the wound seven times.  It won't completely heal the wound, but it will help."  I nod and follow his instructions.  He tenses up.  "Now what?"
"Put this ointment on it, and bandage it.  I'll help you with that." He says.  "It is feeling much better."  I smile and gently spread the ointments in the wound.
"Do you want to talk about how you got it?" I ask gently placing gauze on the deeper parts of the wound.
"I was helping one of the protesters, which I might add we weren't supposed to do.  But this protester was younger than us, just a kid looking for some excitement, nothing more.  It looked like he had been hit or beaten or something like that.  I was bent over him with a tricorder when out of nowhere someone attacked me.  Fortunately the knife was fairly dull so instead of going through me it when down my back.  I was very startled and turned around and fired.  It was a woman, probably the boy's mother.  I'm sure she was just defending him because I was a Tal Shiar agent bending over her child.  
Once I realize what had happened, I went to check on her.  I was positive my disruptor was set to maximum stun, but to my horror she was dead, and there was nothing I could do to save her.  Horrified I check my disruptor, it was set to maximum stun, but control chip had been removed, so no matter what setting I placed it on; it would kill."  Tarven stops and wipes his eyes quickly.
"I'm sorry, Tarven," I tell him touching his tense shoulders quickly.  He looks up at me staring at me.
"I killed her!  I robbed that child of his mother!  I know what that's like and it is more painful than any wound I could have inflicted on him.  And I killed her for nothing!  She wouldn't have killed me.  She was just defending her child like any mother would!"  Tarven stares at me again this time letting the tears trickle out of his eyes.
"What am I dong here, Ne'tal?" He cries clearly pained.  "I thought that by staying in the Tal Shiar and remaining a physician I would be helping others.   I would be fulfilling what Mnhei'sahe required, my duty to my people.  But the longer I'm here, the more I wonder just what good I'm doing.  I'm called on to tell what part of the body to injure just to get a confession.  I'm forced to let children suffer while lavished adults with barely a wound receive my assistance.  And I'm a killer, turning to my weapon the instant I get frightened.  Sometimes I just want to escape."
I stare at him for a moment think about what to say or what to do.  "I know it's hard, Tarven.  Sometimes Mnhei'sahe requires our darkness rather than the light.  But I know you are doing good here. Ask any of your patients.  I know You have help me.  And look at little Eviess.  Imagine where she would be without you.  You make me smile, you encourage me, you love me for the way I am.  You are doing good here."
"Sometimes, I wonder." he sighs closing his sapphire eyes a moment.  I reach up and gently message his tight and sore shoulders.  Tarven sighs peacefully inching closer to me.  
"I love you, my Raptor." I whisper to him.
"My Raptor?" He asks.
"That's what my mother called my father.  She said she called him that because he protected her and took care of her and loved her like the Raptor protects, takes care of, and loves our people."
"Hmm...I like it, Ne'tal-jol.  Thank you for being so caring about me as well."  He gently nuzzles my face placing a kiss on my cheek.  "I love you too, chu'jha."  I smile at him pulling him to look at me.  I lean in and kiss him gently.  I feel his lips part into a smile.  His tongue slips between my lips gently teasing them.  I pull away startled though.  "Did I upset you, e'Lev?" asks Tarven concerned.
Shake my head, "No, I just have never done that before." I sigh somewhat embarrassed.  "Have you?"
Tarven smiles, "No, my love, but I have dreamed of it.  And you have always been the woman in my dreams.  Do you want to take our kisses further?"
"I..." I stare at him.  I do love him and would enjoy the feeling.  However; I was always taught that, that form of kissing was very intimate and should only be practiced by those ready to bond.  And since, although we both clearly love one another, there is no commitment I'm not really comfortable gong that far, even with Tarven.
"No, not right now Tarven.  I just feel that those kisses are something special for those with a commitment.  You aren't upset are you?" I ask concerned.
"If I did not care about what you thought I would have already kissed you that way.  I'm not mad Ne'tal.  I understand your reasons and I respect them.  I want you to be able to trust me.  I am a little disappointed, but not with you.  I just...got excited about the idea."  Tarven smiles at me.  
"I understand.  Thank you for respecting me.  I hope I respect you as well."
"You do.  Now may I kiss you regularly?" He asks smiling.  I nod closing my eyes.  Tarven pulls me to him, kissing me ever so gently pressing his lips to mine.    "I love you, Ne'tal-jol."
"And I love you, My Raptor."  I pull him close for a moment.  "I must be going.  I have a busy day tomorrow and I wouldn't want to keep you from your rest."
"I agree.  May the Elements grant you a pleasant rest, e'Lev." He says looking up at me.   
" And for you as well, e'Lev." tell Tarven as I exit.